Snuggled in my office on the first morning of…forever.
The feeling inside me is a mix of relief, joy, possibility. There’s a bit of angst too. I’ve set aside my need to be super woman and admitted to my oncologist CNP that I’m exhausted. She pointed out that after all the treatment and surgeries, I did not take a break, I went right back to life. It has caught up to me; I’ve drained my energy. My body and spirit are begging for rest having not fully recovered from the ordeal.
It’s time to slow down and allow time for that. She prescribed a reduced work week for the coming months.
I’ve come to understand, to experience, that the physical body, mind and spirit are inextricably linked. Pain, inflammation, angst, are all manifestations of exhaustion. Pretending I can function optimally with no energy in reserve is great disservice to myself. It’s taken a long time to admit that I need to make a change, that my physical and mental health are suffering. At first it feels like a fail, weakness. It feels a little embarrassing to pull back. I look like I should be fine, energetic. And I am, but the energy is not sustained for nearly as long these days.
I’ve been in denial, but truth is that the aftermath of cancer, surgery and chemotherapy still affect me. Some things, like neuropathy, will likely always be there. Others, like this fatigue, will improve over time. That’s ok; I am cancer free because of this journey. I’m deeply grateful for the gift of every new day that shines on the horizon.
Society has convinced us that our value increases with output. This is true for a factory assembly line, not a human life. Still, it’s been difficult to admit that something needs to change. I cannot measure my worth by how many hours I can work each week. I need to think about how to live optimally, what it means to be fully alive.
We all do.
It’s scary to let go of a portion of our income. I do the math and reassure myself that this doable, but it’s counter cultural. It makes me nervous. Rethinking, reimagining, and reevaluating priorities are required to pull this off. What are necessities? What can I let go of?
Trust is critical to navigating this moment in my life.
When I was a much younger woman, pregnant at 22 with twins, I worried about how we would manage. We were far from financially established. I confided my worries to my mom and was given timeless words of faith and wisdom.
From the very early days of their marriage my dad was self-employed. He was the owner of a television repair business and its sole employee. He worked long hours. Mom often offered to get a job to help out, but dad clung to his old-world values, and did not want his wife working outside of the home. That idea soon became completely impractical; within 8 years the family grew to include 5 children. Mom then had than full-time job looking after us all.
That day when I shared my financial worries with mom, she told me not to worry, but to pray. She related that in the early years she and dad had barely adequate income. When she found herself expecting another baby, she would worry about how they would provide for the growing family. She would pour her worry out in prayer. Each time the family grew, the business grew just enough to cover the increased needs. God always provided.
Remembering my childhood, I see the truth of her words. We always had enough.
I’m not sure if I was comforted by her wisdom on the day it was imparted, but certainly over time I’ve grown to appreciate it. I take my worries to God.
Looking back over the decades of my life I see countless illustrations of God’s provision. Always a door has opened, a path illuminated.
I was sharing these thoughts with my husband, and he pointed out the obvious provision of God during my treatments. For 11 months I was off work, my entire income was gone until I could return to work. I felt overwhelmed with worry; the disease and loss of income were a lot to process. Yet, miraculously, everything worked out. It seemed that just the right thing, would happen or appear at the perfect moment. Always, all our needs were met, our prayers answered. I learned to trust in God’s plan and lean fully into his care.
For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the LORD, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope.
Jer 20:11 (AMP)
This morning it was pouring rain as the day broke. Eventually the sun broke through, and I paused my reflections to take my dog for a walk. Stepping out I noticed the wonderfully damp cool air, the raindrops clinging to leaves, the vividly blue sky. The wind was a gentle and warm caress on my skin. I laughed at sweet Frye joyfully bounding thru deep puddles and scooping up water in her mouth. So happy and free. I passed a lovely pollinator garden. The water droplets glistened on velvety flower petals. I took a deep breath of the fragrant perfume.
A peaceful calm settled over me as I walked. Like the flowers, I feel refreshed after the rain.
When Joshua assumed the enormous responsibility of succeeding Moses as the leader of the Israelites, God spoke these words to him:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Josh 1:9
I will embrace the Father’s empowering words of encouragement to Joshua, releasing my fears and worries.
I am never alone on this journey.
