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Pancakes!

Pancakes!

 Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent on the liturgical calendar. Ash Wednesday offers us a beautiful, solemn moment of pause where we can consider our attitudes and actions, recognize where we are wandering off the path, and turn back to God. Many take this opportunity to fast for 40 days from something that maybe consuming too much of their attention or energy. It’s a season to repent and reset.
I grew up in a very traditional Dutch Catholic home. We always honored Ash Wednesday by attending mass and submitting to the imposition of ashes on our foreheads. An outward sign of inward change. I remember trying to discreetly blow my breath up towards my eyes because it felt like the ashes were drifting into them.
As a child I did like the solemnity and special feel of Ash Wednesday. It felt like a quiet new beginning. But what I loved even more than Ash Wednesday was the preceding day: Shrove Tuesday. As I kids, I don’t think we knew that the day before Ash Wednesday had a special name. For us, it was Pancake Day! A sticky sweet feast day!
Our mom cooked nutritious meals from scratch every day. With a family of seven, living on a very modest income, our meals were practical and economical. We ate lots of potatoes! Every meal was tasty and satisfying, and we always gathered around the table as a family and began with prayer.
On this special day, mom would begin to prepare soup early in the day. Dutch meatball soup was my favorite. A simple broth, a few vegetables, tiny hand rolled meatballs, and fine egg noodles. We always seasoned our soup with Maggi, a condiment we bought at the Dutch grocery store.
About an hour before dinner, mom would begin preparing to make mountains of pancakes. Dutch pancakes are special. They are much larger and thinner than thick fluffy American pancakes, but they not as thin and delicate as a French crepe. As she began, mom would set large plate over a pot of simmering water and invert a saucer on it. The she’d mix up the batter, heat two skillets and begin making the pancakes. As we got older, we were enlisted to help.

A pat of butter is dropped into the sizzling skillet, then a ladle of batter is swirled into the pan. You carefully tilt the skillet in a circular motion to cover the bottom evenly with batter. Then you wait, watching carefully; at just the right moment the pancake is flipped over. There’s a learning curve here: the first couple were imperfect practice pancakes, set aside on a small plate, sprinkle with sugar and sampled. This is where being sous chef paid off!

Making enough of these delicious “pannekoeken” for 5 hungry kids, especially when we were all teens, was quite a process, involving multiple batches of batter. The result was two towering stacks of pancakes, sometimes listing precariously to one side.
When everything was ready, and the table was set, we all sat, and dad led us in praying the Lord’s prayer. Then mom stood at the head of the table and ladled up bowls of soup. I can’t say I had any real desire to eat soup with all the pancakes tempting me, but that was the rule. Nutritious soup before pancakes.

There is an art to eating Dutch pancakes. You carefully lift one edge of it off the stack with the tines of a fork and loosely roll it around the fork. Then unroll it onto your plate. These delights were then topped with syrup, sprinkled with sugar or spread with jam before being rolled up, sliced and eaten. Delicious!!! It was always fun to teach a visiting friend this technique.
Seldom were there any leftovers.

After this favorite feast, the season lent would quietly unfold, everything just a little simpler and more somber until Easter.

With the passing years, these memories become sweeter, more cherished, especially now that mom has passed away, and we can no longer hear her voice, that hint of an accent in her speech, and the occasional Dutch word or phrase for which there was no adequate translation.

I’m feeling nostalgic as I remember Pancake Day, and the many other traditions that enriched my childhood. I smile, holding this treasure in my heart.

Father, thank you for nourishment.
For the warmth of the sun and the refreshment of water.
For the miracle of the seed and the reaping of harvest.
For the wonder of taste and the blessing of food with loved ones.
Thank you, Lord. Amen.

My Hair Changed Me

My Hair Changed Me

Recently I ran into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a few years. He looked so perplexed when I enthusiastically greeted him. After I reintroduced myself, he noted my hair was different. We talked for a few minutes and parted. A few days later I saw him again, this time in a there were a few others present. He told the group that we’d met years ago but recently he hadn’t recognized me because I’d “changed” my hair.

Somehow this statement tickled my sense of humor. The story is so much more than different hair.
“Actually,” I quipped, “I think my hair changed me.”
Prior to chemo I had lovely long hair. I spent the money to enhance the color. I loved my hair, and I wore it like a shield. You can hide behind your hair.
A week into chemotherapy I noticed my hair beginning to fall out. By the end of week two, each time I ran my hands through it they came away full of long strands. I stood over the sink doing this over and over,
simultaneously fascinated and horrified. It amazed me how much hair we actually have; the sink was full of fluffy hair, yet I couldn’t see bald spots. I decided it was time to act. I reached out to my dear friend and stylist, and we set a time to meet at her salon. I sat in the chair I’ve sat in so many times over the years and steeled myself for what would happen next. “Are you ready?” she asked. I nodded. She gathered my hair into a ponytail. “Do you want to donate your hair?”
This last question lifted my spirits, even more so when she told me that it would go to a charity that makes wigs for children. My traumatic moment became a gift.
With that she cut off my ponytail. She asked if I wanted her to turn me away from the mirror. I chose to
watch my transformation. We were both tearful as she grabbed my hands, looked into my eyes and then picked up the clippers. Within minutes, the rest of my hair lay on the salon floor.
I’d brought a soft cap and scarf with me which she helped me put on. A big hug and I stepped back out onto the sidewalk.
How do you feel when suddenly you are bald? I’d wondered about this a lot in anticipation of this day. I’d
expected to feel excruciatingly self-conscious and exposed. Would the whole world stare?
I’d expected to feel awkward and ugly. To my great surprise, nothing changed. I still felt the same, I was still
me. Except… I felt empowered, free.

There was something liberating about this experience. Soon after my head was shaved, my eye brows and

lashes fell out too. I was stripped down to my essence. The true self revealed.

I don’t want to minimize the impact of cancer and treatment. It is an exhausting, life altering ordeal. Recovery is very long, the fatigue and side effects cling long after treatment is over. I chose though to try and have a little fun. I poured my creativity into making hats and scarves to match the seasons. I even crocheted a cowboy hat!

Losing my hair changed how I viewed myself. It opened my eyes to the intense marketing that exploits our insecurities and convinces many of us to spend countless hours and dollars creating a persona to present to the world in the place of our true selves.

I am braver since I went through cancer, a little more willing to step out, a little less worried about image, or what others might think. Maybe I’m a more authentically me.

I’ve always loved Jesus words to his disciples in Matthew 6:28-30

“And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you?”

I now apply these words to my thoughts on hair too. Through my journey, I came to understand that whether bald or with a head full of hair, I am beloved child of the King, beautiful in his eyes, tenderly cared for.

Every summer my husband and I spend most weekends camping in a wonderful lakefront park not far from our home. We gather with treasured friends, sharing laughter and community meals. Sunday brunch is always the highlight of the weekend.

A few years ago my sweet 9 year old friend noticed that we had similar hair colors. “Miss Sandra, you have red hair like me.” “Yes,” I said, “But I pay to have it this color.” He looked so confused as I explained how I
went to the hair salon to have the color changed. I will never forget what he said next: “But why would you do that? You are perfect just the way God made you.”

You are too.

A Kiss Goodbye

A Kiss Goodbye

 
I’ve been browsing through photographs and memories this past week, remembering mom.
There’s so much to say, yet I struggle to find words.
It’s her birthday. And the anniversary of her death. Mom was born on January 22, 1933, and given a beautiful name: Angelique. This name is of French origin, meaning angelic. The angels carried her home January 22, 2023, on her 90th birthday. I believe mom would have been pleased that she left this life on the anniversary of her birth.
My parents became engaged on mom’s birthday in 1960. Dad had immigrated to Canada a few years prior and proposed on a visit back to Holland. Soon after their engagement Angelique boarded a plane for the first time, joining John in Canada, where they would build their life together.

Mom’s brothers thought she was brave to board a jet as passenger air travel over the ocean was still awe- inspiring new technology. Some of mom’s Dutch colleagues were frightened for her safety in the wilderness they imagined Canada to be.They warned her that wild animals still roamed the streets. Mom arrived in darkness at the home of friends where she would lodge until she and dad married.

That very first night in this foreign country, mom was awaken by the sound of a lion roaring. She hadn’t taken seriously the warnings of her friends. Had they been right after all? She was terrified! In the morning, mom confessed her fears to her new friend who kindly explained that the circus was in town, housed in the arena behind their home.

I love this story! I can picture it all. Her beautiful blue eyes wide and watchful, her face set in determination to be brave.
Daylight revealed to her the quaint town that would become our hometown. With that first scary night behind her, mom settled in and began learning the new language and culture.

John and Angelique married on July 29, 1961, Dad’s birthday. I’ve always thought that it was quite clever to get engaged on one partner’s birthday and married on the others.

Last July 29th, our family gathered at a picturesque cemetery in our hometown of Oakville, to inter the ashes of our parents. It was a sad sweet gathering of brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, cousins, mom’s youngest sister, and dear family friends. It rained that day. We huddled under umbrellas at the vault, shared favorite memories, a few tears, and prayers before saying a final farewell.

When I sat down this week to write in honor of my mother’s birthday and passing, memories of the last 15 years overwhelmed me. It was tragic to watch Alzheimer’s rob this brave, bright woman of her life.

I thought about how childlike trust replaced the fear in her pale blue eyes when I held her hand and reassured her after she’d fallen.

I smiled as I pictured again a mischievous grin lighting her face when a bit a chocolate stuck to her lip while she ate an ice cream bar. Remembering tender moments of connection as the disease drew her further and further into its web is a gift to treasure always.
There is one memory I cherish with special reverence:

All our lives, the Dutch custom of a kiss-or two, or three- on the cheek was how we greeted our parents, and how we said goodbye. As mom vanished behind the veil of confusion, this tradition was forgotten, she no longer made affectionate gestures like this one.

One sweet November afternoon, as I prepared to leave, I leaned down to kiss mom’s cheeks. There was an instant of connection; her eyes flickered a little, she turned her face, and I felt her softly kiss me.

Mom lived for a few more years after that treasured moment, but I’ll always remember it as the last kiss goodbye.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

time to be born,and a time to die;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-2,4

 

 

The Sound of Silence

The Sound of Silence

I am being drawn into silence.

On a typical morning when I sit in my study, I begin the day by listening to a guided mediation. I tend to be a bit restless, even in a contemplative posture my mind is busy. Frequently, I have to pause the daily meditation and back it up a bit because mentally I’ve wandered off. Afterwards, music plays in the background as I pray and journal.
Lately though, my thoughts have been quieter, I’m less distracted. When the mediation ends, I sit in this beautiful silence. There’s no traffic on this country road, and the house lies sleeping. A deep quiet envelops me. Realization dawns that I don’t want to fill this moment with sound. This silence is gentle and welcoming; a sweet time of treasuring a journey inward.
I wonder if this comfort with silence is signaling inner change.

My mind and spirit have found stillness. Is this what peace feels like? As I ponder this new thing, a favorite verse comes mind:

Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 47:10)

It amazes me how words we’ve always known one day spring from the page and take on richer meaning. A connection is made between this beautiful silence, and the divine.
Eventually, I notice the sound of the wind breaking through the quiet, nature is breathing, the world waking up.

With the new year, I’ve reestablished my yoga practice. My awareness of my breath is heightened as I move through the sequence of poses. How lovely it is to connect to your breathing! It causes me to notice how often during the day, when the pace gets hectic, that I hold my breath. I remind myself then to pause for a deep cleansing breath.

Hearing the gentle passage of air as it leaves my body, I think about how good it is to be alive.
Gratitude fills me as I consider the challenges of the last two years. I am well now! Strengthened and energetic. A soft smile blooms deep within me as I remember all the gifts of the journey. The greatest treasure is the love that was poured over me, nourishing and sustaining me. I will carry it with me always.

Indeed, silence is an inspiring place to begin a new day.
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! (Psalm 46:10)

This week, may you find some beautiful silent moments tucked in between the sounds of a busy life.

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Revise?

How’re you doing with your plans and goals for the new year?  Are you still excited? Or does it feel like it’s already time to revise, or even give up on, the vision for 2024?

This year, I gave myself time to dream freely about the new year.

Over the years I’ve envisioned things I’d like to do, but for 2024 I’m allowing them to flow onto the page and then penning goals and plans in detail. I love my new planner! I can see the whole month laid out before me, make note of appointments and obligations and set specific goals.  There are pages in between the months where I can brainstorm ideas.   

It’s also a little intimidating! My dreams are in black and white; if I fail, they will glare up at me from the page

The nagging negative voice in the back of my mind works hard to undermine my excitement and confidence. The enemy whispers doubt into the plans that will bring my dreams to life.  It’s a big deal to send my writing out into the world, to risk the rejection of submitting my work to publishers. I’ll be vulnerable.

My thoughts turn to Moses when the Lord spoke to him for the burning bush.  There was no doubt that God wanted him to go speak to Pharaoh, to secure freedom for the Israelites. Moses was anxious though, just as I am, and starts making excuses as to why he shouldn’t take on this monumental task.

But Moses said to the LORD, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” (Exodus 4:10)

The Lord responds to Moses’ fears with words of reassurance.  He reminds him of his power and promises to provide all that he needs to accomplish the mission.

Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.”   (Exodus 4:12)

Still Moses hesitates:

But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.” (Exodus 4:13)

I hesitate too.  A day lies open before me, and I hesitate (procrastinate).  I accomplish a lot, filling the day with tasks and avoiding the one thing I set out to accomplish.  Finally, I quiet myself and reflect on this struggle. I consider the obstacle blocking my path. It’s that insidious, nasty little voice again distracting me, shaming me, reminding me of all the times I’ve stumbled along the way.

 I focus on silencing the negativity with the voice of truth.  I tune my ear to the voice that faithfully guides me when I’m journeying through unknown terrain. It’s the voice that tells me to trust, believe in the dreams in my heart, find joy in this creative passion, and allow the plan to evolve. It reminds me of who, and whose, I am:

I am the beloved child of God!

chosen and blessed.

Born with the indelible imprint of the maker in my soul.  

A creative sparkle delightedly made in His image.  

He wants me to walk joyfully through this world, sharing His love.

I will not be afraid.

      He is with me,

providing strength and grace as I go.

I trust, I believe. Amen.

Maybe hesitation or feeling overwhelmed is an invitation, an opportunity to extend ourselves some grace. Was the goal set a little too rigidly?  Take a moment this week to breathe.  Sit with your dreams, allow yourself quiet moments of honesty and, if necessary, revision of the plan.  Listen to the voice of truth.  Believe!

 

Behold! I’m doing a new thing!

 

There is a light blanket of fresh snow blanketing the lawn this first morning of 2024. I greet this day, this new year, with hope and enthusiasm.

As so many of us do at the dawn of a new year, I’ve been reflecting on the journey of the last few  years.  And like many I confess to thinking: “Surely this year will be easier than the last.”

 In spring of 2022, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and began  the  challenging path of treatment.  December 28, 2022, with great relief I rang the bell, signifying the end of chemotherapy.  I was excited for 2023 even as I knew it would hold more challenges, starting with a bilateral mastectomy in January.

 I had no idea what lay ahead…

My sweet mother passed away on her 90th birthday just days after that surgery. I experienced an intense mix of emotion in the days that followed.  There was deep sadness that I would never look into her blue eyes again, hold her frail hand or hear her voice. I also felt gratitude; mom had endured  Alzheimer’s disease for 15 years, her suffering was finally over.  I know with certainty she is a peace now, fully restored in the the Kingdom of Heaven.

The love and support of dear friends carried me as my body recovered and my spirit mourned.

As spring approached my vision suddenly deteriorated significantly.  All the steroids administered as part of cancer treatment had caused the rapid onset of cataracts. Over the course of a few weeks I had surgery on both eyes.  Cataract surgery feels miraculous! Within weeks my vision was crisp and clear; I no longer needed glasses, just readers.  Amazing. 

As spring continued to unfold, my dear uncles,  identical twins, passed away within two weeks of one another. Again bittersweet emotions as they too had been ravaged by Alzheimer’s.  

Towards the end of May I underwent a final reconstructive surgery.  I was excited to have completed all the treatments and surgeries and resume “normal” life. I have to admit that I overestimated my available energy and enthusiastically, perhaps unwisely, went back to full time work soon after and threw myself into all my favorite activities.   I became increasingly tired.

My heart broke in September when my beloved godmother passed away.  And then it all caught up to me. I was exhausted, cried everyday and had a hard time functioning. I was forced to step back, cut down on work and get some rest.   

I did recover my energy and bubbly spirit over the remaining months of the year, and in the process learned valuable lessons. I nurtured my spirit with meditation,  prayer and therapy while my body recovered and strengthened.  I participated in an intense 8 week program called the Grief Recovery Method.  This was a program unlike any I’d ever encountered. I learned valuable tools, and emerged feeling  both lighter and prepared to embrace whatever might lie ahead.

 

I am delighted to say that 2023 concluded joyfully.  Heartache and fatigue gave way to precious moments with family, wonderful celebrations, laughter with friends and colleagues, cosy quiet evenings at home.

This especially challenging year wrapped up gently with hope shining on the horizon.

 

The prophet Isaiah offers the perfect pivotal scripture for contemplation this day:

 

Remember not the former thingsnor consider the things of old.Behold, I am doing a new thing;now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?I will make a way in the wildernessand rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV)

 

And so, as I turn my gaze from the years gone by, and focus on the future, one phrase in particular commands my attention:

Behold, I am doing a new thing;          

now it springs forth.

 

I can feel it, this new thing! Excited energy is bubbling inside of me. A future vision is coming into focus. Goals that were nebulous and difficult to define are crystalizing.  Plans that seemed impossible to set into motion are now taking shape. A fresh new planner is ready for me to record it all. Today I will commit my dreams, goals and plans to paper.  I’ll even create a timeline for it all. 

 

What about you, my friend?  Can you feel this new thing, the possibilities and freshness of the new year?

I pray that you too will feel compelled to turn your gaze from all that is past and focus on the promise of the future.

May you be richly blessed in 2024.

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