Today is the anniversary of my dad’s passing. I know where he is; I’m at peace.
Still, I miss his smile.
Dad had a fantastic sense humor, often tinged with the sarcasm typical of the Dutch. Sometimes his jokes were really corny. Sometimes they made no sense at all, yet you couldn’t help but laugh.
His delight was contagious.
Looking at pictures from the last few years of his life, I study his face closely. One was taken during a surprise visit. His entire being radiates happiness.
I can feel the joy across the years.
When I was a frustrated teenager trying to win an argument or gain permission for something my parents had decided against, I would usually end up with angry tears pouring down my face.
Dad was more stubborn and resolute than I.
He never raised his voice; he just held his ground. The angrier I got, the less he said. Eventually he would begin to tease, joke or poke a little fun. I used to think he was laughing at me, which hurt and frustrated me even more.
I’ve come to understand that he was trying to move us away from that moment to happier ground. He disliked confrontations.
Another picture was taken during covid and brought me such comfort. Visits to the nursing home were highly restricted, and took place outdoors. I live in the U.S., my parents were in Canada. We couldn’t cross the border to visit. I was grieved over this, and worried about the loneliness and isolation the elderly and house bound suffered during the epidemic.
It’s obvious to me in this photo that one of my brothers is sharing a joke with dad. It’s impossible not to smile as I look at his face crinkled with merriment. His shoulders are probably shaking with laughter.
Dad’s smile could light up a room.
Another picture from much further back was taken as we celebrated my twins’ first birthday. I love the tender smile on his face. He loved being a grandpa. All his grandchildren have forever memories of his playful silliness and jokes.
These days I see dad’s smile and humor in the personalities of my children. When their eyes crinkle mischievously and a huge smile flashes across their faces, I catch a glimpse of him.
Comfort and joy come with knowing that as he rests in heaven his delightful characteristics live on.
I know you are smiling dad, holding mom’s hand and probably cracking up an angel.
I love you, I miss you.
